Tim Donaghy’s unpublished book alleges many things regarding NBA officials. According to Yahoo Sports, Donaghy admits stars get preferential treatment, some refs have it in for some players and coaches, and a losing home team is likely to get a favorable whistle to make it competitive. NBA commissioner, David Stern, feels that all of the blown calls by umpires is a more pressing issue.

“Did you see that guy they called out?” asked Stern. “That was ridiculous. Major League Baseball clearly has more of a problem with its umpires than we have with our referees. Besides, the notion that the NBA tries to fix games or give preferential treatment to its star players is preposterous. Now if you’d be so kind as to leave my office, we are about to discuss who should qualify for this year’s playoffs.”

Andre Agassi, in excerpts released for his upcoming book, has revealed several shocking things about his life. Among those admissions are the use of crystal meth, and wearing a hair piece . Perhaps the most shocking admission of all, is that Agassi admitted he never actually played tennis.

“It was hard for me to come to terms with that,” said Agassi. “I mean, my image was that I was this professional tennis player, when I never actually played tennis. It was hard to fake that for all these years. Still not quite sure how we pulled that one off.”

Other less believable claims Agassi makes in his book about his life include being named the MVP of Super Bowl XXXVI, winning eight consecutive Nathan’s hot dog eating contests, and that he invented the iPod.

The controversy of the BCS is upon us once again. Will it be two perennial powerhouses, such as Texas vs. Florida or Alabama, or will an upstart, non-BCS team get in the mix? Currently, TCU is the highest rated non-BCS school, but is unknowingly hurting their chances at a BCS title by being from TCU.

“They just don’t get it,” said a member of the BCS computer programmer squad. “We set up these computer programs to get big name schools to the title game. People would rather see a 1-loss Florida or a 1-loss Texas than an upstart underdog team like TCU or Cincinnati. I mean do you ever watch sports? No one wants to see the little guy somehow defeat the favorite. My advice to TCU is to change their name. Maybe to USC, LSU or some other three letter school name that is more recognizeable. Then our computer might rank them a little higher.”

As he has done in his previous stops, Shaquille O’Neal has applied to become a special deputy, this time in Cleveland. However, Shaq is looking at holding an entirely new fake cop position, and would like to be the Cuyahoga County Special Deputy of Fudge.

“I really like fudge,” said O’Neal, naturally in between bites of chocolate peanut butter and chocolate pecan fudge. “Besides, LeBron can pretty much do everything around here, so I should be free to do whatever I want. That is as long as it doesn’t involve working on my basketball skills or conditioning.”

Following their game one defeat at the hands of the Phillies, the New York Yankees and their fans are starting to panic. It is believed that the Yankees will use any means necessary to win game two, even if it means elevating Joba Chamberlain’s pitchcount to as many as five pitches.

“We have to do what we have to do,” said manager Joe Girardi. “Joba will have to elevate his game and possibly the number of pitches he is able to throw. Five pitches is a lot for him at this stage of the season, but we need big things from everyone, Joba included.”

If Chamberlain is unable to throw up to five pitches, Girardi says he will be forced to use Mariano Rivera for at least three innings after using four other pitchers to throw 1/3 of an inning each.

“It’s just the Yankee protocol for an important game,” said Girardi. “At least while I’m managing it will be.”

The Cleveland Cavaliers season began with an opening night loss to the Boston Celtics, a 95-89 defeat at home. The Cavaliers were in their patented stand around and watch LeBron 4th quarter offense, but were completely thrown off when James’ teammate, Mo Williams, accidentally touched the ball. After having the ball, he clearly appeared flustered, and immediately threw the ball out of bounds off Shaquille O’Neal’s knee.

“I don’t know what I was doing,” said Williams. “I guess I just panicked and touched the basketball, then threw it at Shaq to quickly get rid of it. I apologized to the team after the game for leaving my role of standing in the corner for a brief second.”

Head coach Mike Brown understood the mistake, but vowed that he would do all he could to not let it happen again.

“We need to do a better job of getting out of LeBron’s way in the 4th quarter. Maybe we could go stand out of bounds or something. I don’t know. I won coach of the year employing that strategy and I don’t plan on changing it now.”

Chiefs running back Larry Johnson may be in some trouble for what he said on his Twitter account, apparently ripping his head coach Todd Haley. In addition to insulting his coach, he is making outlandish claims, stating that he scored a touchdown during yesterday’s game against San Diego.

“I can’t believe you missed all those touchdowns I scored yesterday,” said Johnson on his Twitter page, completely unaware that everyone saw the 37-7 blowout loss for the Chiefs, in which Johnson was kept out of the end zone and limited to 49 yards. “I was showin’ off some mad skills. I probably ran for at least 300 yards. I am still one of the best running backs in the game today. Adrian Peterson got nothin’ on me.”

In recent years, Major League Baseball has been notorious for scheduling playoffs games to meet the needs of television networks. The World Series match-up between the Phillies and Yankees is no exception. To accomodate Fox and their primetime programming, the series is not slated to start until 2013.

“Fox is giving us a boatload of money,” said MLB commissioner Bud Selig. “So we have to accomodate every request that they throw our way. It doesn’t matter if we lose fans in the process, we have to schedule our games around Fox’s programming.”

To no one’s surprise, Fox is very happy with the arrangement.

“We are very pleased that Bud Selig and MLB meet our requests for the scheduling of playoff and World Series games, even if the breaks in between games are completely ridiculous,” said a Fox executive. “But we can assure the American baseball fan that the Phillies-Yankees World Series will begin in 2013, right after House and American Idol finish their successful runs on our network.”

With this weekend’s matchup between the Patriots and the Buccaneers taking place in London, talk about moving a permanent franchise to the English city is again surfacing. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that ultimately, he would like to put a franchise in London, but he would like to place one in St. Louis first.

“The thought of an NFL franchise in London is very appealing for many reasons,” said Goodell. “But I just think that it would be in the best interests of the league if we concentrated on American cities without NFL franchises, like St. Louis. Yes, the Rams currently play there, but c’mon. I’m talking about a bona fide NFL team.”

The struggles of Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor have been highly publicized as of late, particularly after Pryor’s poor performance in Ohio State’s loss to Purdue last weekend. To combat his struggles, Pryor has been receiving advice from LeBron James, whose advised Pryor to stop sucking.

“It’s tough to be that #1 guy if you suck,” said James, “so I told him to stop sucking. If you stop sucking, then you will probably play better.”

Pryor’s head coach Jim Tressel also feels he would play better if he would heed James’ advice.

“Even though he’s been making some ‘minus plays’, we’re going to stick with him,” said Tressel. “We really feel as a staff, that he has the ability to eliminate those minus plays if he would just suck a lot less than he does right now.”